Unrequited Love

Sometime ago I got news that one of the women I’d loved has finally got a boyfriend. The news came as a surprise to me but I somehow expected it after all she is at a “marrying age” already. I wouldn’t say that I’m devastated by the news but somehow I am “affected” by it. Truth to tell, I shouldn’t feel anything at all since I decided a long time ago to give up on her but as it happened, I still do because I still and do love her. She was an old classmate of mine. She is the type of woman that nobody would notice at all. The archetypal “average” Eve. She was neither the prettiest nor the brightest and certainly not the most popular in our batch but just one of the dames. Like all other men, I also fail to notice her until one fateful day on our classmate’s wedding day. That day was a very bad day for me, for the night before; I got a death threat from a prank caller. Although I’d dismissed the call as a prank, I can’t help but felt disturbed and unease for the anonymous caller threatened to kill everyone in my household. I don’t know who he is and I was suspecting everyone who bore a grudge against my family or me. At any rate, I didn’t put at heart the matter until the following morning when the prank called again and repeated the threat. I was outraged and fortunately for me, I had installed a caller ID and immediately, I called the police, which promptly investigate the matter and closed the case. It turns out to be a real prank and the asshole is a deranged wacko. Anyway, I was in a heightened state of alert at that time. I was outraged and acted like a madman ready for the kill. Tension filled the atmosphere at home while the investigation is under way. In short, it was really a very, very bad day for me to the extent that I planned to cancel my attendance to the wedding reception. Eventually, my mother prevailed me to go and I did although under intense caution and under a cloud. I got the reception too early, even way ahead of the organizers. I sat there at the table feeling gloomy and seething in anger as the organizers arrived and as the guest trickle in. I don’t know what make me turn my head towards my back but as I did, I thought I saw an angel, a beautiful angel waling towards me. I didn’t recognize her but she literally took my breath away and my heart as well. She was like a ray of sunshine that break the dawn and usher a great sunny day. I was floored to discover that it was her, my classmate. I was stumped to realize that it was she; the angel that I wanted to believe that there is a God indeed. I was also stumped to realize that I’m a big, big asshole not to “see” her before. After all, I did danced with her in one of the school plays. How stupid could a guy be? She sat beside me that evening and we chatted the night away. My mood changed instantly that night and I was bubbly and cheerful. I complimented her on her beauty more than once that evening. Funny, I couldn’t remember what I wore that night or what I’d said either but I still could vividly remember how she looked. She was lovely, correction stunning. Her eyes looked tired and her face looked pale kind of remind me of the fair Maria Clara. She wore a strapless dark violet gown with golden leaf embroideries capped with a shawl. She possesses the lady charm that men find irresistible. I know because I couldn’t sleep that night and for the rest of the week as well thinking about her. I dreamed about her that week and some nights thereafter. That alone was enough to make me call her but I didn’t. I hesitated because I thought back then that this ain’t love but an infatuation. I was attracted or more like mesmerized and entranced by her beauty. It will go away after sometime. As it turned out, after a year, I still can’t get over with her. Why I even waited for a year to confirm my feelings? Well, she has the same name and family name as my ex and I’m very much in love with my ex even up to this day although she is already married. I fear that I’m falling for her not because of her but because of my ex. And I couldn’t believe myself that I got off a relationship with my ex and only fall for her surrogate who doesn’t even remotely resemble her. At any length, the most beautiful name I heard was also the most painful one to remember. My classmate and I eventually met up at some party. Though she doesn’t looked that stunning, I still felt something for her. It is love actually, confirmed and validated. I wasted no time to call her up and chat with her and ask her out eventually. I was however rejected not once but twice and in the last one, she flatly told me that she wouldn’t be available for the next couple of weeks. I was absolutely stunned! She never had a boyfriend before and she isn’t seeing somebody then. I may not be the most handsome man but do I look that repulsive to warrant a rejection? Well, I figured that I needed to take things slowly and so I continue my calls and resolved to get to know her better. I was to know every minor details of her that only somebody so intensely in love would venture to do. It came to past that I know her likes and dislikes, her favorite food, her family, nuclear and extended, her friends, her birthday, her wish. I also “research” on her. I took out my yearbook and try to find any info about her. I also manage to read one of her compositions. And when I know these things, I resolve to know it by heart and not through the aid of a diary or an electronic record. I was however totally disappointed. Here I am, trying to get to know her. Asking her questions about her and all I got was a short answer to my query. No follow ups, no meaningful conversation on any topic except for her favorite heartthrob, which I think is a lousy actor. She never ventured to ask anything about me or even attempt to know me not even a complimentary reply of “How are you today?” whenever I’d inquired her about her day. It came to pass that I concluded that she wasn’t interested in me and that I was a fool to even waste my time on such a worthless endeavor. I gave up but that wasn’t the end of it. Some time has passed when I got a call from an eighty – year old guy. He called to thank my mother or more appropriately to thank my grandmother who was dead way before I was born. He wanted to thank my grandmother for supporting him in his bid for my grand aunt’s hand. He was successful in his quest but it was short lived for my grand aunt died due to difficult labor. Nevertheless, he just wanted to say thank you as part of an old man’s quest for peace before his great departure. I was moved by his effort and asked myself would I wait till 80 and tell her that I actually loved her? Or tell her that maybe in the next life if there is one, we could be together finally. Wouldn’t that be too late already? She might be dead by then or worst, I may no longer be there. I couldn’t sleep that night thinking what would be like 20 – 30 years from now. Would she still be an old maid waiting for her Romeo knocking her door? Would I wake up one night sometime in my late 40s wondering whether or not I married the right woman? It was a stupid idea. Here I am speculating about a future waiting to happen but haven’t happened yet and there she is waiting. The next day, I decided to try once more. I text her, I called her. However, this time, things just got worst. She avoided me, making all the excuse. She rarely replied my messages and if she did, it was always short. I never get to say what I’ve felt. Never have the chance. Things drag on for a while when I finally decided to give up permanently. For a brief moments afterwards, I was angry. For how could she do that to me? Rejecting me while all along she was looking for someone. Then, I realized that how could I be angry at the one I professed to love? Was it because I didn’t get what I want and I’m angry for not getting it? If that is so, then I’m a possessive guy and I don’t deserve to love or be loved at all. Sometimes one has to continue to love even if love has forsaken you. Love doesn’t change because she doesn’t love you back or for some reason, you didn’t end up together. Love is all about giving and expects nothing back in return. Its sound cliché but it’s true. Love is all bliss when one is in the midst of it and a terrible burden to carry especially when one is alone carrying it. I’m willing to carry it. I decided that I’m going to still love her even though she didn’t. I may have given up pursuing her but I’m not going to forget her. That was centuries ago. And since then, I still manage to chat with her from time to time trying to find out how she was doing. I greeted her in all special occasions and on her birthday as well. I don’t want to be presumptuous but probably I’m the only guy outside her family to remember her birthday. And now, she has finally found someone. It was bittersweet to me. It was sweet because I no longer had to worry that she is going to be an old maid someday. It was bitter because I am not the one. I did congratulate her and wish her that she may finally found her happiness and that she may end up with her man and live happily ever after. Other than that, I harbor no ill will or any illusions. I only have a love that I will carry to my grave.